Ranma 1/2 is owned by Rumiko Takahashi, oh, so is Urusei Yatsura Juxtaposition ----------------- By Anand Rao Chapter 5: Love, Lechery, and Luck (or I Didn't Know What to Call This Chapter.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ranma's eyes darted from side to side. As long as none of the girls touched him, he would be okay. But a single touch, just a brush of the fingertips, and disaster would strike. That's how it was in his experience; a touch, a hug, a glomp, a tug, then a mallet, a kick, a spatula, a bonbori, or a ribbon. "Ranma-sama, what's your favorite color?" "Red." Of course, that was back when he'd just had fiancees instead of a fan club. "Ranma-sama, what's your favorite hobby?" "Martial arts." It was lunch-time and Ranma was seated in his desk, surrounded by several of his female classmates. Many of the girls had pads of paper in their hands and were busily taking notes. "Ranma-sama, what's your favorite food?" "Um. . . I like sukiyaki, sushi, ramen, okonomiyaki, and. . . curry." "Sukiyaki?" one of the girls exclaimed. "I can make that!" The others glared at her and the girl quieted down. "Ranma-sama, do you have a girlfriend?" The girls all held their breath, praying for the -right- answer. "No." Ranma's tone was flat and slightly bitter, but the girls did not notice. They all silently cheered that their prayers had been answered. "Ranma-sama, what. . . what qualities would you want in a girlfriend?" The question was a bold one and the one who asked it trembled. "Huh?" Ranma blinked and stared confusedly at the girls around him. The questioner could not bring herself to explain. "What kind of girls do you like?" Shinobu clarified after a few moments. "Oh. . . uh. . . Someone strong, a good cook, I guess. Um. . . a nice smile." Ranma visibly struggled with his answer, he had never given it much thought. (What -is- it that I like about Akane?) He nearly choked on the thought. (Akane? No way!) "Ranma-sama, what-" The question was interrupted by the distant sound of a crash and the room suddenly shook. "Was it an earthquake?" "Maybe a plane crashed!" "What if another alien is visiting?" The crash was heard again, this time a bit louder, and the room shook once more. Ranma blinked and looked at the front wall of the classroom. Another crash was heard and the room shook for a third time. The girls were starting to get a bit scared, and used their fear to move closer to Ranma. "Oh, man. . . not her," Ranma groaned, placing his head in his hands. "Do you know what's making that noise, Ranma-kun?" Shinobu asked. Ranma glanced at her then sighed. "Yeah, and you'll be seeing her right about. . . now." The front wall of the classroom exploded and a bright, cheerful Shampoo entered. "Hello, Ranma! Shampoo in time for lunch, yes?" She held up a ramen delivery box. "Yo, Shampoo. Yeah, you're in time for lunch." The boys in class stared openly in admiration for the proud and bouncy Amazon. The loss of Lum, coupled with Ranma's popularity with the girls, had been a mighty blow to their morale. Mendo was the first to move. Smoothing back his hair, he confidently strode towards Shampoo. "Excuse me, miss. If you wish to join us from lunch, I'd gladly give you my seat." Mendo graciously gestured towards his desk. Shampoo nodded her head gratefully and walked over towards Mendo's desk. She easily picked it up with one hand and muscled her way through the circle of girls surrounding Ranma. Satisfied that she was close enough to her future husband, she dropped the desk next to him and sat in it. She set the ramen box on Ranma's desk and smiled knowingly. "Ranma miss too too delicious ramen, yes?" "Yeah!" Ranma readily agreed. The familiar scent of a deluxe chicken ramen wafted out of the box and assaulted his waiting nostrils. "Just a minute! Who do you think you are, barging in like this?" a member of the newly chartered Moroboshi Ranma Fan Club demanded. "We -were- in the middle of a very important interview," another chimed in. "Besides," Mendo said, "why would a charming, exotic lady like yourself wish to waste your time on Moroboshi? Please, join me, I would gladly partake of the meal you so kindly brought." Shampoo glared at the girls around her. "Shampoo sit with husband." She glanced sharply at Mendo. "Idiot Boy want ramen, he come to restaurant!" "HUSBAND?" The class chorused. "Ranma-sama, how could you?" "Man, all Moroboshis are the same!" "No! We lost Lum, we can't lose this one too, not so soon!" Mendo drew his sword. "Mo. . . ro. . . bo. . . shiiii." "Aiya! Idiot Boy like Stick Boy, yes?" "Idiot. . . boy?" Mendo looked at Shampoo aghast and dropped his sword. Ranma blinked and thought about Shampoo's comparison for a few seconds. "Close enough. And how many times do I gotta tell ya! We ain't married, Shampoo!" The class, as one, sighed in relief. "Is she forcing herself on Ranma-sama?" "She's just like Lum, isn't she?" "Yup, Ranma's a Moroboshi all right." "Silly Ranma!" Shampoo just shook her head. "No have Akane, no have Spatula Girl. Shampoo only one left, yes? Shampoo only one come for you!" Ranma gritted his teeth and looked away. Shampoo was infuriating, but she was right, Akane -hadn't- come to visit him. "Ranma enjoy lunch. Then we go to date!" The girls immediately crowded around Ranma protectively. "You leave Ranma-sama alone you. . . you. . . class wrecker!" Shampoo stood and folded her arms over her chest, her right foot began tapping dangerously on the floor. "Ranma fast worker." Her tone was flat. "Aw, Shampoo, ya know it ain't like that, I just-" "You see him for the womanizer he is!" Mendo exclaimed. "Please, dear Shampoo, go out with me instead. We will share a romantic night that you will not soon forget." Shampoo growled and turned towards Mendo. "Shampoo not in mood for silly talk!" She whirled towards Ranma's fan club. "Girls leave, or girls get hurt." The girls just inched closer towards Ranma. "Ranma-sama! She threatened us!" Shinobu stood and slammed her hands on her desktop. "That's enough!" She walked towards Shampoo until she was only a scant few inches away from the Amazon. "I don't know who you are and I really don't care. I won't stand by and let you walk all over me and my classmates!" "Girl want to fight?" Shampoo cracked her knuckles and grinned viciously. She took a step back and brought her hands up in an offensive stance. Before Shinobu could reply, Ranma jumped between the two girls. "Shampoo, do we really gotta go through all this again?" He tried to make his voice firm, but ended up sounding rather plaintive. (Ranma. . . is protecting me?) A small smile appeared on Shinobu's face. Shampoo, using both hands, grabbed Ranma by the neck and starting shaking him. "Ranma finally free to accept Shampoo's love! Why husband always chasing after other women?" "I. . . am. . . not. . . your. . . hus. . . band!" Ranma's face started to turn blue. "Hmm. . . This scene seems familiar for some reason," Megane said. "Hey, let him go already! Shit. . . it's no wonder he wants to stay away from a violent psycho like you!" All movement in the classroom, even Shampoo's throttling fists, stopped. Benten walked into the classroom, an easygoing but somewhat arrogant swagger in her step. Shampoo let go of Ranma and he collapsed to the ground. "Who you?" "The name's Benten and if that's how ya treat prospective husbands, you ain't ever getting married." "Nosy girl should mind own business. Might get hurt." Shampoo grinned. She knew she had a real fight on her hands. It had been too long since she had shown Ranma the strength of an Amazon. She would make him proud, and then, perhaps, they could go on a date. "Any time, any place, bitch." Benten shook her head in disdain. She'd have to show this twit that love was a bike built for two. There was no room for hitchhikers. Besides, from what she heard earlier, Ranma liked strong women. Shampoo pulled out her pair of bonbori and waved them at Benten. "We fight now, yes?" Benten shrugged her shoulders. "Suit yourself." She reached over her right shoulder and took hold of her BFG-9000 particle assault cannon. She aimed the Big Fuckin' Gun (tm) at Shampoo, a postal worker-like insane glaze in her eyes. "Let's rock." ************************************ Happosai took a long drag from his pipe and contemplated the ramifications of what Ataru had just told him. He had the heir he always wanted. One who was a kindred spirit, a boy he could teach and apparently learn from. He had only know Ataru for a few moments and already considered him to be the son he'd always wanted. The cost of this new found family was very high, however. Ranma-chan was no longer his to fondle and grope. Gone were her bouncy, jiggling breasts and pouting lips. Happosai blew out a puff of smoke with a deep sigh. "Is something wrong, Grandfather?" "Not really, my boy. Just thinking about the things I've lost and the things I've gained over the years. . ." Ataru nodded his head sagely. "They say it's the first thing to go when you get old." "What's the first thing to go?" "Your libido," Ataru shrugged. "I wonder what you were like at my age." "Look in a mirror!" Happosai snapped. "And my libido hasn't gone anywhere!" "Well, we've been sitting here, under this tree, since lunch." Ataru started counting off his fingers. "I'm missing my opportunities to talk to Akane, Ukyo, Yuka, Sayuri-" "Ataru. . ." "Miss Hinako, Ryoko, Nabiki, Rei, Ami-" "Ataru!" "What?" "It's time for you to listen to the voice of experience, my boy. Sure, you can go to class now, if you wish. However, the girl's volleyball team will be finishing their practice soon. They'll be heading to the girls' locker room in about fifteen minutes." Ataru's eyes lit up. "Really? Maybe I can catch them before they change, get some phone numbers and a kiss or two!" Happosai shook his head. "You're still not thinking, Ataru." "What do you mean?" "Why catch them -before- they change? Wouldn't it be better to catch them -while- they're changing?" Ataru blinked and gave Happosai a confused glance. "But in order to do that, we'd have to be. . . in. . . the girls'. . . locker. . . room." Ataru looked as if an amazing revelation had entered his mind. "Shall we go? I know some great hiding places in there. . ." Happosai rubbed his hands together in anticipation. Ataru squared his shoulders and contemplated the brave, new world he was about to enter. He was certain it would an experience he would cherish for the rest of his days. "Let's go, grandfather." He put his hand on the elder man's shoulder, and together, they walked towards the girls' locker room. ****************************************** Ranma smiled happily as he walked away from the smoldering wreckage and debris. Any day where school ended early couldn't possibly be all bad. Any day where large weapons' fire rather than rampaging martial artists destroyed school property wasn't too shabby either. Yes, his school uniform was torn and dirty. Yes, girls were fighting over him again. Yes, it seemed like the insanity would never stop. This time, however, no one was blaming him for the mess. "Moroboshi! This is all your fault!" Mendo screamed, buried somewhere in the confines of the now destroyed classroom. "My God! It's so dark! I'm scared! Someone help meeeeeee!" Well, no one -important- was blaming him, anyway. There certainly was a first time for everything, Ranma decided. "I'm sorry I almost shot ya." Ranma glanced at Benten and shrugged his shoulders. "No big deal." After the fight had finally ended, and Onsen-sensei ended up unconscious, Ranma decided that heading back home would be a good idea. Benten, having nowhere else to go, followed after him. Shampoo was nowhere to be found, but Ranma figured she was all right, considering the fact she was not buried underneath all the rubble. "Who was that crazy girl anyway? Was -she- the fiancee you were talkin' about?" Benten hoped it would be the case. It was obvious that Ranma wanted nothing to do with the purple-haired tramp. "Shampoo? She's just this girl from China who thinks we're married," Ranma explained. Thinking of what was commonly called the 'Moroboshi Effect', Benten glared at Ranma suspiciously. "And why, exactly, does she think that?" "It's some weird Amazon law of hers. I defeated her in fight a while back and 'cause of that, the law says we're married." Benten's suspicion faded. "Sounds like she's trying to trap ya." She thought back on the fight in the classroom. "Ew. . . she's not gonna want to marry me now, is she?" Ranma stopped and looked quizzically at Benten. "Uh. . . no, why'd ya think she would?" "Well, I kicked her ass today, and with her laws and all. . ." Benten shivered. "I'm open minded as anyone else, but I just don't go that way." "The law's different for girls, she'd just try to kill ya, not marry ya." "THAT I can handle." Benten reverently caressed the handle of the rifle slung on her back. "You really don't have to worry about it. I mean, you didn't actually beat her so-" "What da ya mean, I didn't beat her?" Benten demanded. "She ran away like a scared little twit while I'm here talkin' with you!" "She didn't run away," Ranma countered. "She just got out of the way before you blew up the whole class room. There ain't much that can scare Shampoo." Benten clenched her fists and her face turned red. "If. . . if you like -her- so much, why don't you find her!" she yelled. "Hey, I don't wanna find her! She'll just start pestering me about dates and junk. . ." Benten leaned closer to Ranma, her eyes narrowing. "You -really- don't like her?" Ranma looked down at his feet. "She's a good friend and a good fighter, but I don't wanna marry her, and I don't love her." "Oh." Benten abruptly turned away from Ranma and continued walking. Her face was still red, for a different reason this time, and a large goofy grin grew on her face. Ranma stared in confusion as she departed. "I ain't ever gonna understand girls." ******************************* Shampoo walked into the newly opened Nekohanten. Her clothes were torn and dirty. Her face was covered with soot and her hair was in complete disarray. She held one of her bonbori limply in her right hand. The colorful weapon was full of dents and holes, and the handle was splintered and cracked. Lunch had long since passed, and the restaurant was empty, save for Mousse, who was busy bussing tables, and Cologne, who was busy making sure Mousse was bussing tables. "Shampoo, you're back!" Mousse ran towards her, surprisingly closing in on his mark rather than hugging a table or a plant. Shampoo growled in response and smacked him under the chin with her damaged weapon. The bonbori snapped in half on impact and Mousse crashed into the kitchen. Shampoo heard a loud splash followed a great deal of mournful but irritated quacking. "You are a mess, child. What happened?" Cologne asked, perched at the kitchen counter. For the moment, she decided to ignore Mousse' thrashing around. "I go meet Ranma for lunch. Run into stupid girl with big gun and-" "Wait! Did you say, 'gun'?" Shampoo nodded her head in confirmation. "This place much crazy than Nerima," she stated. "I see. Did you get into a fight with this girl?" "Yes. Girl have gun but no aim. End up blowing up classroom." Shampoo snorted. "She stupid and clumsy, no is warrior." "Still. . . be careful, Shampoo. It could be that you and son-in-law just weren't meant to be." Cologne sighed. "I had thought that being away from the Tendo girl and the whirlwind of Nerima might have calmed events down in Ranma's life. It may be better if we just return home and-" "No! Gun girl is obstacle and-" "Obstacle is for killing," Cologne finished for her. "You are going to need to get over that anger one day, child. Until you do, you will never be able to learn our more advanced techniques." She paused, noticing that her heir wasn't really listening to her. "Very well. Go get cleaned up and get back down here. We'll see if we can't invite son-in-law down for dinner some time." "Yes, Great Grandmother! I show Ranma that I best wife!" With renewed determination, she bound upstairs to her bedroom to change. Mousse flew up to the kitchen counter and quacked angrily at Cologne. The old matriarch shook her head wearily. "It's her decision. If you learned that earlier, you might have actually had a chance with her." ************************************ "You need to learn how to move a bit quicker." "Yes," Ataru conceded, "but it was still. . . fun." Once again, Ataru and Happosai were sitting under the same tree on the Furinkan lawn. Happosai carried a large black bag filled with women's underwear and Ataru had a body filled with bruises. "Yes, I always enjoy it." Happosai smiled happily and patted his bag with affection. "All that flesh! All at once! Crowded together in a small room. . . it was. . . it was. . ." For Ataru, it was beyond words. He had not felt such a growth experience since he was five, when he found his father's hidden stash of adult magazines. "This is only the beginning, my boy, only the beginning," Happosai cackled. "We can do this every day and every night. We can visit locker rooms, public baths, massage parlors, onsens. . . any place you desire. Besides, it will be good practice. Pretty soon, you'll be fast enough and strong enough so they won't be able to hit you." Ataru let out a hearty laugh. "Now -this- is training! Not like all that stupid stuff Otosan made me do." "Genma's been training you?" "Yeah," Ataru sighed. "Every morning, the same thing. 'Wake up, boy! Time to train!' I guess it's important though, especially since Ranma challenged me." "Ranma challenged you to a fight?" Happosai felt rather indignant. "Ha! He's not -half- the man you are! Don't worry, Ataru, I'll make sure you beat him!" "Sounds great, grandfather. I really want to win too. He promised that he'd set me up on a date with a pig-tailed cutie if I beat him." "He WHAT?" Ataru grabbed a photo out of his coat pocket and handed it to Happosai. "She's a real beauty, isn't she?" Happosai stared at the picture of his beloved Ranma-chan and the gears began to turn in his head. "Ataru, my boy, I'll help you win this fight. If I do, then you'll take me on this date with her," Happosai offered. "What? No! I want her all to myself, grandfather." Ataru snatched back the picture and folded his arms over his chest. "You'll never even get a chance with her without me, son. You'll never beat Ranma without my help." "I'll find a way. He can't be -that- good," Ataru scoffed. "He's close to the best. You'd best listen to what I say! Ranma killed a god in China. Tore the poor fool limb from limb. Destroyed a mountain while he was at it. He'll tear you apart like a 20B bra on a 34DD woman." Happosai shook his head sadly, hoping that his retelling of Ranma's adventures at Mount Phoenix would have the desired effect. It did. Ataru gulped and unfolded his arms. "K-k-killed?" "Oh yes. Ranma can be a real monster when he really wants something. But don't worry! With my help, you'll defeat him easily." Happosai hopped up on Ataru's shoulder and patted him on the back. "Maybe I should forget about fighting him and just try to find this girl on my own. After all, my Girl Hunt Radar has never failed before." "You may find her, but you'll still have to fight Ranma. He challenged you, and he's not going to let you go." "But. . . but. . ." "There's no getting around it, Ataru. You just-" "Darling! -There- you are!" Lecher and pervert turned towards the Oni who was flying towards them. One cringed, the other salivated. Lum landed in front of Ataru, her arms akimbo. "Where have you been? You're missing class!" "Long time, no see, sweetie," Happosai greeted from his perch on Ataru's back. Lum screamed in response and fired several bolts of electricity in Happosai's general direction. She managed to hit Ataru quite a bit, but missed her intended target each and every time. Still screaming, she quickly turned and flew away. Ataru moaned and coughed as he lay on the ground. Smoke rose from his body and the remnants of electric sparks danced in his hair. Happosai stared down at his new heir and tsked. "You really do need to learn how to dodge." "So, you know Lum?" Ataru asked weakly. "I met that luscious young thing in Tomobiki once," Happosai replied. He started digging around in his bag. "Ah, yes. Here it is!" He pulled out a tiger-stripped bikini bottom and dangled it in front of Ataru's face. "I never forget a panty." "Why do you collect those things, anyway?" "No time to explain now. Let's get after her!" Happosai bound after Lum, who was steadily flying off into the distance. "Hey, grandfather, wait!" Ataru stood up and quickly followed after him. After a few moments, he stopped, realizing that for the first time since the tag race, -he- was chasing after -her-. "To hell with that! As long as she's not around, I might as well try to find Akane, or Ukyo, or Yuka, or Nabiki, or. . ." He walked back to class, still rattling off the names of the women he hoped to run into. ******************************** Lum flew away as fast as she could. She could feel the little demon pervert following her. She wanted to get to her ship as fast as she could, hoping that he wouldn't be able to follow her there. (Why does this have to happen -now- or all times?) She mourned silently. Seeing him twice in one day was twice too many. She felt bad about leaving Ataru behind, but she knew that the little demon pervert wouldn't bother him; it was only girls he was after. "Yooooooo hooooooo! Come back here, sweetie! I have present for you!" Lum shivered uncontrollably and flew faster. She was in Tomobiki now, and would be closing in on her ship soon. As far as she knew, the little pervert couldn't fly. That was her -only- advantage. Lum remembered her first encounter with Happosai. It was a Sunday that had began like any other, with Lum flying around Tomobiki looking for her errant, girl-chasing Darling. She had heard a group of women screaming and yelling in the distance and wisely concluded that her Darling was nearby. She flew towards the outraged, female cries, and was rather disappointed in what she found. A tiny old man, carrying a large black sack, was being chased by a gaggle of women. The screams of 'Stop, thief!' and 'Get that Pervert!' definitely got her attention. She considered not getting involved, but perverts had to be stopped on principal alone. After all, her own Darling could one day become like this old man if left on his own. The pervert looked up just as Lum swooped down towards him. Thinking that she had caught him unaware, Lum was not prepared for his jump. "Oh! I wanna tear the stripes off THAT tiger!" He yelled. Within seconds, he was aggressively fondling her breasts while nuzzling his face between them. Like so many women before her, Lum screamed in rage, embarrassment, and fear. An electric charge immediately covered her body, the most powerful one she'd ever created. The pervert fell to ground, a seemingly charred mass of flesh. To Lum's surprise, he quickly recovered, hefted his bag, and ran away laughing. "Thanks for gift, cutie!" He held up her bikini top in one hand, waving it in the air like a flag. "Hey, give it back! Only Darling gets to take it off!" Lum covered her breasts and flew after him. She spent all day chasing after him. She couldn't manage to hit him with her lightning even once, the old pervert was just too quick. In fact, after a while, he had ended up groping her again, and before she knew it, her bikini -bottom- was gone too. At that point, Lum gave up and fled to her ship, naked, ashamed, and horribly embarrassed. Lum shivered at the memory and quickly looked down to make sure she was still wearing all her clothes. The old pervert -did- move awfully fast. "Hey, Lum, what's the rush?" Lum looked back and noticed that she had just passed Benten and Ranma. "Benten! You have to get away! Quickly! There's a per-" "Come on, don't run away from an old man!" Lum flew down and started pulling Benten's arm. "Hurry! He'll be here soon!" "What the. . . what's going on here, Lum?" Benten pulled her arm out of Lum's grasp. "It's the old freak. I'd recognize his voice anywhere," Ranma stated. "That's right! He's a perverted old freak!" Lum nodded her head vigorously. Ranma cracked his knuckles, eyeing Happosai as he bound across the sidewalk towards them. "You guys better get outta here, our fights can get kinda messy." "Ranma! Oh, what a wonderful day! I never thought I'd see you again! My Ranma-chan!" Tears formed in Happosai's eyes. "Let's find some cold water and then you can try this on." He quickened his pace and held up a lacy red bra. "He really is a sicko, ain't he?" "You don't know the half of it," Ranma muttered darkly. "You're one part of Nerima I-haven't- missed, ya old lech!" He charged forward and aimed a jump kick at Happosai's face. Happosai held his hand forward and easily stopped Ranma's foot. "You never learn. . ." With a casual flip of his wrist, he easily throwing Ranma over his back. The pig-tailed martial artist landed in street with a loud crash. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening skirted Happosai's feet and a hail of bullets sailed past his head. "Well, looks like I've over stayed my welcome." "Lucky shot old man." Ranma stood up and brushed himself off. The concrete underneath him was cracked and broken. Happosai chuckled. "Careful, Ranma. You don't want to tire yourself out before you fight Ataru." Ranma, Lum, and Benten paused. "What do ya know about that, old man?" Ranma cautiously asked. "He's going to beat you, Ranma!" Happosai crowed in delight. "I'm going to train him. He's my heir now, you know." "Yeah, the two of you are perfect for each other," Ranma bit out. "At least he shows respect to his master." Happosai's tone was uncharacteristically serious and hard. "He has better potential to be master of Anything Goes than you ever did, Ranma. You watch, he'll beat you. I'll make sure of it." Happosai bound away, his renewed laughter echoing in Ranma's ears. "You're the one who'd better watch, old man. . ," Ranma whispered. "'CAUSE I NEVER LOSE!" Benten walked up to Ranma then, and gently patted his shoulder in support; and Lum silently fretted. Ranma's plan was becoming more complicated by the minute. It was time to think of something else. ******************** Chapter Five: The End Next on Juxtaposition! Ataru learns an ultimate technique! (No cyborg body here, folks) Nabs hatches a plan! (with a little help from an Oni) And maybe, just maybe, you'll see the fight you've been waiting for. Ranma vs. Ataru. With, well, nothing really hanging in the balance. All this and much, much more! In Juxtaposition, Chapter 6. Special thanks to Gary Kleppe, Vince Seifert, and Video Game Addict for pre-reading. Namaste, Anand Jouve25@hotmail.com Anandr3@home.com http://animation.acmecity.com/papermache/43/