Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi, oh, so is Urusei Yatsura. Juxtaposition ------------------ By: Anand Rao Chapter Two: The Grass Ain't Always Greener. . . -------------------------------------------------------------- Ranma lay back in his futon and stretched out his arms. He was relatively comfortable in his new room, now that he had thrown away all the posters of scantily clad idol singers and the numerous adult magazines he had found. Once again his life was being turned upside down, out of his control, and without his permission. Once again he had been forced to leave a place he considered his home. "I don't know how much more of this I can take," he said aloud. A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. "Come in." "Ranma-chan, are you asleep?" his mother asked, opening the door. "Not yet, Mom. What's up?" "I brought in your school uniform. I cleaned and pressed it for you. It was Ataru's, but it should still fit you. Would you like to try it on?" "Uh. . . I don't really need to wear a uniform to school, do I? I mean, I never did at Furinkan," Ranma pointed out. "Why, of course you need to wear a uniform! If you don't conform to society's standards, how do you expect to become a productive salary-man like your father?" "Salary-man?" Ranma repeated weakly. Mrs. Moroboshi nodded her head brightly. "Now stand up, and we'll see how this fits." (Oh man,) Ranma silently groaned. **************************************************** "Wake up, boy!" Ataru curled up tightly in his blanket, dimly aware of the voice that was yelling at him. "It's time to train! The Art waits for no man!" Ataru continued to sleep, hoping that dreams of his harem would return shortly. Genma let out a frustrated sigh and began vigorously shaking his son. Ataru giggled in his sleep, dreaming that Akane was giving him a massage. Genma stood up straight and cleared his throat meaningfully. "Ataru-chan, time to wake up!" he said in his best imitation of a female voice. Ataru continued to sleep. "Enough of this," Genma growled. He picked up Ataru, blanket and all, and tossed him out the window. Fortunately, Ataru had a firm grip on the edges of the blanket and it acted like a parachute as he began his descent. He landed gently on the ground, right next to the Koi pond, still fast asleep. "Oh my! Was your room too hot, Ataru-kun?" Ataru's eyes snapped open and he threw off the blanket. He slowly turned towards Kasumi, who was currently dusting the sliding door that separated the backyard from the house. "Kasumi-chan!" He jumped towards the eldest Tendo daughter. "None of that now, boy," Genma said, grabbing a hold of the back of Ataru's shirt. "First, we train." "Train for what?" Ataru asked irritably. He was still grasping for Kasumi. "The Art, of course!" Genma replied, tossing Ataru across the yard. "Defend yourself, Ataru!" Ataru landed on his head, but quickly stood up as Genma ran forward to attack him. "Otosan, is this really necessary?" Ataru asked plaintively. He dodged an attempted kick, then jumped over his father. "This is very necessary, Son. I started training Ranma before he was old enough to even walk! We have a lot of catching up to do if you are going to be my heir." "Yeah, but why so early in the morning?" Ataru yawned theatrically to make his point, then dodged an upper cut followed by a jab. Genma grinned in anticipation. "You can't dodge forever, Ataru." And so it went. Genma spent the next twenty minutes chasing Ataru all over the Tendos' backyard, unable to hit him even once. On the other hand, Ataru didn't even attempt to attack his father. Akane walked in through the front gates after finishing her jog. With a sense of déjà vu, she watched as Genma and Ataru danced around the yard. In Ataru's place, she imagined seeing Ranma. She saw his rippling muscles underneath his red shirt, she saw his cocky grin, almost hearing him taunt his father to fight harder and faster. Ataru noticed her and the spell was broken. "Akane-chan!" he yelled in delight, immediately turning towards her. "An opening!" Genma exclaimed in triumph. He vaulted towards Ataru, ready to attack. His attention completely focused on Akane, Ataru pulled out a mallet, and smacked Genma over the head with it. The Master of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts fell to the ground in a heap. "Nice technique," Akane murmured as Ataru ran towards her. "Akane-chan!!" Ataru yelled again. "We need to plan our date! How about a hot spring?" "We're NOT going on a date, Ataru!" Ataru grabbed hold of Akane's hands. "It'll be fun! We can hug and kiss and-" Akane's fist connected with the side of his face. Ataru unerringly flew straight into the koi pond. "Get away from me, you pervert!" Akane growled. Satisfied that her task was complete, she stormed into the house. (And I thought electricity was bad,) Ataru thought, gurgling helplessly in the pond. ******************************************* Ranma tugged at the collar of his shirt and scratched the back of his neck. "Man, I hate these things." "It's just a uniform. I thought Mother fixed it for you last night," Lum said. The pair were on their way to school, Ranma walking lazily on the sidewalk with Lum floating in the air next to him. "She did, but it's still uncomfortable." "It took me a while to get used it too," Lum admitted. "But the teachers insisted." "I've noticed that about them," Ranma replied, tugging at his collar once more. He had to admit, this particular morning wasn't too bad. No old women splashing him with cold water, no overly-friendly amazon waitresses, no spatula-swinging would-be brides, no psychotic gymnasts, no eternally lost pig-boys, no delusional kendo captains, no pint-size hentai freaks, no stately katana-wielding mothers, no conniving mercenary future sister-in-laws, no idiotic panda bears, no chi-sucking homeroom teachers, no moronic principals with tropical fixations, no blind hidden weapons masters, no old ghouls, and finally, no uncute tomboy fiancees. Strangely, that final thought brought him no pleasure. (Who's gonna protect her now?) he thought morosely. (I hope she's okay.) Ranma tugged at his shirt collar again. The vaguely familiar rumble of an engine made Ranma look up. (It's that biker chick from yesterday,) he realized, suddenly wary. Benten flew by Ranma and Lum, made quick mid-air U-turn, then stopped in front of them. "Hey, Lum! Who's your new friend?" "Hi, Benten! This is Ranma; he's Mr. and Mrs. Moroboshi's real son." "What do ya mean, 'real son'? What happened to Ataru?" "He and I were switched at birth," Ranma replied, idly wondering how many times he would have to repeat that sentence before the day ended. "No shit?" Benten exclaimed. "So Ataru's living with -his- real family, eh?" "Yeah, and his new mother already engaged him to someone. She won't let me marry him." "Oh geez. . ," Benten sighed. "Why don't we go teach that bitch a lesson! Remember, Lum, you have to fight for what you want." Benten grinned viscously. "Hey! Don't threaten Mrs. Saotome!" Ranma exclaimed. "What's it to you?" Benten asked, glaring at Ranma. "She may not be my real mother, but I still care about her." "Benten! Ranma! Calm down, please!" Lum pleaded. "I don't want to hurt Darling's parents, I just want to figure out a way to get him back." "Let me know if you need any help," Benten offered. "Thanks, Benten, I will." "Nice meeting ya, Moroboshi!" Benten spun her air bike around and took off. Ranma stared at the quickly disappearing air-bike and shook his head. (It's gonna be a long day.) ********************************************* "All right class, pay attention!" little Hinako impatiently demanded. "We have a new student starting here today. He's a transfer student from Tomobiki, please welcome Ataru Saotome." "Saotome?" more than one student murmured in surprise. "Isn't he that Tag Race champion?" others asked. "Hello!" Ataru brightly greeted the class. "I look forward to getting to know all of you; especially the girls!" he giggled delightedly. "Welcome to Furinkan, Saotome-kun. Please sit in that empty desk over there behind Kuonji-kun. Ukyo, will you please raise your hand?" Hinako asked. "B- But, Sensei! That's Ranchan's desk!" Hinako giggled slyly. "That's not really a problem! Ranma transferred to Tomobiki as of today." "What?" Ukyo demanded, suddenly standing. She turned towards Akane. "Akane-chan, what happened?" "Kuonji-kun, please be seated! We're about to start class!" Hinako pouted. "You're Ukyo?" Ataru asked, running up to her desk. "Y-yeah. . ." "Great! I'm your fiancee', Ataru! We really should go on a few dates and get a chance to know each other, don't you think?" "What do you mean, 'fiancee'? I'm engaged to Ranchan!" "Not any more. . ," Ataru sang, grabbing hold of Ukyo's hand. "Saotome-kun, are you a delinquent?" Hinako suspiciously asked. "A delinquent? Certainly not!" Ataru replied, sounding rather offended. "I'm just greeting my fiancee." "I'm -not- your fiancee!" Ukyo yelled, jerking her hand out of Ataru's grip. "But Ucchan. . ." "Nobody calls me that but Ranchan!" Ukyo growled, reaching back for her battle spatula. "You -are- a delinquent!" Hinako decided. She pulled out her ever-present five-yen coin and pointed it at Ataru. "Happo Go-en Satsu!" she exclaimed. Ataru turned towards Hinako just as a wave of energy flowed from his body, entered the center of the coin, and passed into Hinako's body. Ataru felt himself weaken and become dizzy and then Hinako's body changed and grew in the most interesting of places. The dizziness suddenly passed, and he stared at Hinako, the power of lust permeating his very being. Hinako completed her transformation, but energy was still flowing into her from Ataru. "Shouldn't he be, like, unconscious or something?" Hiroshi wondered aloud. Ataru giggled wickedly, sending a shudder through all the females in class. (Gods, how I've been blessed! Sakura's got nothing on her!) Ataru leaped towards Hinako, the energy still flowing from him. "Sensei!" he screamed joyously. For the first time in her career, fear touched Hinako's being. She quickly dropped the coin and held out her hands towards Ataru. "Happo Tsurisen Gaeshi!" she yelled, almost desperate. A ki blast larger than any she had created previously flew from Hinako's hands and hit Ataru dead center in the chest. Ataru didn't even have a chance to scream as he sailed right into the back wall of the classroom. Hinako, once again a little girl, blinked and looked up at Ataru. "He's stuck in the wall!" she giggled delightfully. "Akane-chan, we need to talk; at lunch," Ukyo said flatly. "Yeah, I guess we do," Akane agreed. (It's going to be a long day,) she sighed. *********************************** "Megane, can I borrow your notes for physics class?" "Not now, Perm!" Megane snapped, "Can't you see that I'm busy?" "All you're doing is making hatch marks in your notebook," Perm replied flatly. "What's wrong, Megane? You've been acting strangely since yesterday, " Chibi said. Lum's four storm-troopers were sitting in class, waiting for homeroom to start. "I've been thinking. . ," Megane began. "Do you all not consider it strange that Ataru had an appointment at the hospital yesterday?" "Maybe he's sick," Kakugari suggested. "Or maybe he was in for a physical," Perm said. "Maybe Lum sent him there to get 'fixed'," Chibi giggled. The four guards silently looked at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing. "No, I think it's much more serious than that," Megane replied, wiping a tear from his eye as he stopped laughing. "What do you think, then?" Perm asked. "Ataru's parents -and- Lum went with him, that tells me that something serious has occurred, indeed. I think," Megane trailed off. "You think. . ." "I believe. . ," Megane continued. "You believe. . ." "Ataru is dying," Megane proclaimed. Once again, the guards become silent for a few moments, then exploded in laughter. "If only that was true," Perm sighed. "It is! I'm almost certain!" Megane protested. "Think about it! We haven't seen nor heard from Ataru since yesterday. Normally he's running all over town on his girl hunt. This morning, not once have we heard the cries of women screaming in terror and disgust." "So? Just because he's taking a break from his girl hunt doesn't mean he's dying," Chibi pointed out. "What would cause Ataru to cease his lecherously idiotic ways?" Megane challenged. "When confronted with his own mortality, man often becomes depressed and despondent. He feels the futility of his life and finds joy in nothing, such trauma can lead to self-destruction; to suicide." "You think. . ," Perm began. "Ataru killed himself?" the three storm troopers asked at the same time. "It's definitely a possibility. In that event, we must be prepared to comfort Lum in her loss. Then, after a suitable period of time, I will try to fill the gap in her heart, the gap created by being widowed so young." Megane sighed dramatically. "Why should -you- be the one to fill her gap?" Perm demanded. "Yeah! It might be me!" Kakugari added. "Idiots. If anyone would have the capacity, the strength of character, the gentleness to care for Lum, it would be me," Shutaro Mendo declared, walking up to the storm troopers. "Ha! Lum is pure! She would not be swayed by your money or-" Megane's retort was cut short as Chibi gasped. "Lum!" the short storm trooper exclaimed in delight. The five boys watched in rapture as the green-haired Oni gracefully flew into the classroom. The fact that Ataru had not accompanied her was not lost on them. "Lum-san," Mendo greeted, quickly moving towards her. "Let me be your pillar in this time of need!" "No, Lum! Let -me- be the rock you can hold onto as sorrow washes over you like a wave," Megane offered, jumping to his feet. "What are you talking about?" Lum asked, blinking in surprise. "Lum-san, we know about Ataru," Mendo replied. "I see. . . I'm still trying to find a way to be with him," Lum said. "Lum-san!" Mendo gasped. "Lover's suicide is very noble, but it's not for you! Not when there are people around who are filled with love for you," Megane said. "Lover's suicide?" Lum demanded. Electricity started dancing around her body. "Who said anything about suicide?" The boys slowly backed away, confusion and fear evident on their faces. "Isn't Ataru dead?" Pern weakly asked. "No! Darling is NOT dead!" Lum yelled, letting her lightning fly. ************************************************* Onsen Mark entered the classroom just as the boys' screams faded away. "Everyone, please be seated," he requested absently. As hard as he tried, he could not hide the small, easy-going grin that grew on his face. His arch-nemesis, the bane of his existence, the terror of his class, was finally gone. Finally, his students would get an education! Tomobiki would no longer be the laughingstock of every school district in Japan. He waited for the students to get settled, and then his grin grew wider. "Class, I'd like to introduce you to a new student today." The classroom door opened and Ranma walked inside. The girls sat forward in their seats, staring at him openly. Their hearts were still set on Mendo, but they were always on the look out for a feasible consolation prize. "Class, this is Moroboshi Ranma." "Moroboshi?" the class yelled. The Storm Troopers and Mendo suddenly rose to their feet. "Sensei, what is the meaning of this?" Mendo demanded. The young trillionaire drew his family katana. "He can't be a Moroboshi, he's so. . . handsome," Shinobu pointed out. "Be quiet!" Onsen Mark bellowed. "I'm Moroboshi Ranma, nice ta meet ya," Ranma warily greeted his class. (Man, this place is crazier than Furinkan.) "Where's Ataru?" Megane asked. An insanely delighted look crossed Onsen Mark's face. "Ataru is gone! He's living in Nerima with his real parents! He won't ever be part of this class again!" He laughed hysterically as tears of joy ran down his face. The class' reaction was not surprising; everyone started talking at once. "He's gone?" "Why'd he go to Nerima?" "What do you mean, 'real parents'?" "Is Ranma his brother?" "Lum, why didn't you go with him?" The last question, asked by Shinobu, silenced the class. Ranma sighed in quiet relief as the focus shifted from him to the green-haired oni. "Darling's real mother won't let me marry him." Lum replied, then continued to explain what had happened at the hospital the previous day. After she had finished, the students, as one, turned back towards Ranma. To the class that had seen countless alien races, numerous planets in all corners of the galaxy, and a large private army declare war on one young pervert on a daily basis, the news came as a complete shock. Finally Megane stood up and cleared his throat. "I have only one question for you," he said, staring pointedly at Ranma. "Yeah?" "Do you plan on pursuing a relationship with Lum?" The students leaned forward, eager to hear Ranma's response. Mendo tensed, his hand poised on the hilt of his sword. Ranma blinked in surprise. "No! But, what business is it of yours?" "I am the leader of Lum's guards!" Megane proclaimed. "It is our sacred duty to protect her interests." "Er. . . right." "Megane! Sit down and shut up!" Onsen Mark yelled. "Ranma, please be seated in that empty desk next to Lum." Ranma sat down at his desk and idly wondered how many fanboys surrounded him. (These guys are nuts.) ********************************************* Ukyo stared at Akane and sadly shook her head. "You're in trouble, sugar." "I'm not the only one," Akane pointed out, pausing to smack Ataru. "He's engaged to you too!" "He is not!" Ukyo indignantly replied. "Genma Saotome engaged me to Ranma; not this hentai bastard." Ataru, quickly recovering from Akane's blow, jumped towards Ukyo. "Ucchan!" he exclaimed. "How many times do I have to tell you?" Ukyo demanded, hitting Ataru with her large spatula. "Only Ranchan can call me that!" She emphasized each word with another hit with the spatula. Ataru dizzily clutched his head then finally slumped to the ground. Lunch time had finally come and Ukyo had practically dragged Akane outside to talk about what had happened to Ranma. Ataru, of course, wanting to familiarize himself with his two fiancees, followed after them. "Uncle Genma had no right to engage you to Ranma, but he still took your dowry, so Ataru's your fiancee," Akane countered. "He's -your- fiancee!" Ukyo yelled. "No, he's not, he's yours!" "Yours!" "Yours!" Ataru stood up and comfortably put an arm around each of them. "Girls, girls! There's no need to fight, I have enough energy to satisfy the both of you," he assured them. "Whose turn is it?" Ukyo asked. "Mine," Akane growled. She tightly grabbed a hold of Ataru's arm, flung him around in a large semi-circular arc, and threw him into a tree several yards away. "Don't look now, sugar, but more trouble coming your way," Ukyo warned, glancing behind Akane. Akane turned around and groaned as Kuno strode purposely towards her. "He probably found out about Ranma's transfer." "Greetings, fair Akane," Kuno began. "I heard of Saotome's flight from Nerima. It would seem he has finally realized the futility in keeping me away from you and the pig-tailed girl." "Moroboshi, Sempai. Ranma's family name is Moroboshi, not Saotome," Akane replied. "I see. The rumors are indeed true. The miscreant was engaged to you under false pretenses!" Kuno exclaimed triumphantly. "And finally. . . finally he is gone!" "He took the pig-tailed girl with him," Akane said flatly. "What? How dare he persist in holding my goddess captive!" "Did someone mention a goddess?" Ataru asked, suddenly jumping on Kuno's head. "Remove yourself from my person," Kuno commanded, attempting to pick himself up off the ground. "Sorry about that," Ataru easily replied. He stepped off of Kuno's head and looked eagerly at Akane and Ukyo. "So? Tell me about this goddess!" "Hold!" Kuno said, finally standing up. "What business have you with the pig-tailed girl?" Ataru blinked and looked quizzically at Kuno. "I thought we were talking about a goddess. . ." "The pig-tailed girl -is- a goddess," Kuno explained. "Her beauty outshines even the sun! With each passing moment, her innocence, purity, and strength make me yearn for the day when she will finally be mine!" (If she's -that- pretty, I gotta meet her!) Ataru thought. "So, where can I find this pig-tailed goddess?" Akane was about to reply when she heard the ring of an all too familiar bicycle bell. With the greatest of ease, Shampoo flew through the air. Ataru looked up just in time to serve as Shampoo's landing pad. "Hello!" she sung brightly. She looked down at Ataru and blinked. "You no Ranma," she observed. Ataru chuckled weakly, twitching slightly in pain. Shampoo moved her bicycle off of Ataru and turned towards Akane. "Where Ranma?" she demanded. Ataru suddenly stood up and glomped Shampoo. "Why is everyone interested in him for?" he plaintively asked, nuzzling against Shampoo's breast. "You no touch woman of Amazon tribe!" Shampoo yelled. She rapidly slapped Ataru back and forth across the face. "Pervert-boy die!" She threw Ataru back towards the tree. "Maybe we should engage him to that tree," Ukyo suggested. "He's becoming more intimate with -it-, than he ever will with one of us." "Where Ranma?" Shampoo demanded again. Akane sighed, hoping that this would be the last time she would have to tell this story; for today, at least. She explained Ranma's current situation and his relation to Ataru as succinctly as possible. The constant reminder that she was no longer connected to her one-time fiancee was almost more than she could bear. Shampoo looked at Akane and Ukyo, then glanced at Ataru, who was just getting up and away from the tree. "So Akane and Spatula Girl now engaged to Pervert Boy?" "We're still debating the point, but yeah, something like that." Shampoo looked back at Akane and burst out in laughter. "Akane always call Ranma 'pervert', now have real pervert for husband!" Akane silently fumed and Ukyo let out a low growl. They both realized that Shampoo was the only one left who had a 'valid' claim on Ranma. "Shampoo go tell good news to Great-grandmother! Maybe time to move Nekohanten to Tomobiki," Shampoo said. She quickly pedaled her bike away from her now former rivals. "Ohhh. . . that. . . that. . . bimbo!" Ukyo yelled. "What are we going to do, Ukyo?" Akane softly asked. "I don't know, sugar." "Ease thy wounded heart, Akane Tendo," Kuno gently said. "I will allow thee a date with me, to cheer thy spirits." He embraced Akane tightly, offering her his full support. "Go date a tree, Kuno!" Akane kicked him into Ataru, who had finally managed to stand up, and the both of them slammed into the tree. Ataru managed to stand up again, and grinned stupidly at Ukyo. (I wonder what life is like in Tomobiki,) Ukyo wondered, letting out a heartfelt sigh. -------------------- (End Chapter 2)